I'm not an addict
by ParvisSira
Summary: Just a little Gin and Tonic songfic. Rated high for caution and ideas. Ginny's thoughts as she lies on that cold stone floor.


Just a simple little Gin and Tonic songfic. Obviously nothing belongs to me, that honor goes to JKR and the lyrics to K's choice. _  
  
Breathe it in and breathe it out  
  
_I was just a girl, the last Weasley in a line of many. Lost amongst a sea of red. I'd never existed outside my family, I didn't know that anything existed outside my family. They were my everything or so I thought.  
_  
And pass it on, it's almost out  
  
_But as I lie here on this cold floor I wonder when my world changed, when did my family stop being my world. When did he become it.   
_  
We're so creative, so much more  
We're high above but on the floor  
  
_Contrary to popular belief I knew it was wrong from the get go. But my, oh my it was so intoxicating sweet, so wonderful. I thought I was in control. I though I could control Tom. But I should have known no one can control Tom, especially when they fancy themselves in love with him.   
_  
It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive  
  
_Only with Tom do I feel alive. If I could I would chuckle at the delicious irony. I lay here dying on the floor and all I can think is that I would do it again just for a chance to be his. He called me HIS princess. I love that world, his. I think he knew that I knew. I think he knew I knew and didn't care.  
_  
If you don't have it you're on the other side  
  
_But are there really sides in this. If there is one thing that Tom taught me it's that there are shades of gray. The world is not all light and dark. There are shadows. And the shadows are wonderful. Gradation is beautiful.   
_  
The deeper you stick it in your vein_ _  
The deeper the thoughts, there's no more pain  
  
_He integrated himself so deeply within me that I didn't know where he stopped and I began. When Tom was in control there was no pain. But you know I think that I just might have like a little pain. I would have like to have him there with me. I would have liked to know what I was doing.   
_  
I'm in heaven, I'm a god  
I'm everywhere, I feel so hot  
  
_Fire and Ice, that's what we were. He enjoyed my fiery red hair, so so he said. And his ice frostbit my fire. But my devil made me feel like an angel. His fiery fallen angel he loved to tease. I have no doubt he will achieve his dream of immortality. He accomplishes everything he puts his mind to, he get everything he wants. _  
  
It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive  
If you don't have it you're on the other side  
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)  
  
_He is the best thing at Hogwarts now. For me he always was the best thing about Hogwarts. Not my brothers, not my dormates, him. I'll be glad I don't have to be here without him._  
  
It's over now, I'm cold, alone  
I'm just a person on my own  
Nothing means a thing to me  
(Nothing means a thing to me)  
  
_And here I lay on the cold floor waiting for death to claim me, and I'm not sad, for my death means his life. And his life is more precious than mine could ever be. He burns with a cold passion that I could never have. He burns so brightly, I can only be the moon to his jupiter. _  
  
It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive  
If you don't have it you're on the other side  
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)  
  
_I never could lie to him or deny him anything. Before the chickens, before it all there was just me and Tom. I told him everything and he listened and for that I would give him anything. I might have even killed the rooster for him, if he would have asked. I certainly bled for him. _  
  
Free me, leave me  
Watch me as I'm going down  
Free me, see me  
Look at me, I'm falling and I'm falling.  
  
_Falling out of grace that for certain, falling out of grace and falling out of life. But I freed him and he smiled. His gorgeous Lucifer smile. His true smile. Not the sugar sweet smile he used when trying to ensnare me, little did he know he already had me, or the smirk he hold the rest of the time. I saw him smile. I freed him and he was unguarded. I couldn't help but smile and then he completed the spell with my freely given maidenhead.  
_  
It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive I feel...  
It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive  
  
_I should have been upset but it was so exquisite. Growing up with six older brothers I had bo allusions about what he wanted. The contrast of my heat to his cold was more than I could have ever dreamed. For an instance I was his.   
_  
It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive  
  
_I don't know where this desired to be possessed came from. A century of woman's liberation down the drain when looked at me. I would die to be the spaniel he kicks, in a way I guess I am. But this is no light airy Midsummer Night's Dream. And I don't want Puck to come and change my allegiance.  
_  
If you don't have it you're on the other side  
  
_He filled the emptiness inside me I didn't know I had. I think my old self little Ginny tells me he created that hole, but I don't care. Would be that he were mine, I would give anything. If for some reason I don't die tonight I will always be his. My allegiance will forever belong to him.  
_  
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)  
  
_As if I should lie to myself any longer.  
_  
I'm not an addict..._


End file.
